When I was a young Recruitment Consultant, I totally blew an interview with someone who I liked, admired, and respected. She did me one of the biggest favours of my life by passing on her negative feedback to my Rec-to-Rec (yes, there are Recruiters for Recruiters) in detail.
Rather than making his own life easier with a breezy ‘sorry you’re not the right fit’ he passed the very same blow by blow criticism on to me.
As I held the phone to my ear and listened to all my errors, I wanted to fall through the floor with embarrassment, kicking myself on the way down, but I thanked him (and the interviewer) profusely for actually letting me know what I’d done wrong, reflected, and never made the same mistakes again.
Not getting a job sucks. Not knowing why sucks more.
That was more than ten years ago, and I still follow my ex-interviewer's career with an admiration that borders on stan. Her feedback improved my attitude and my work performance dramatically, and I am still grateful.
Bad news, negative feedback, constructive criticism, difficult conversations – there's virtually no way to make these things sound positive, and yet, actually telling someone what they’ve done wrong might be one of the most positive things you can do for them.
Then why is it so hard to do?
All of us, at some point or other in our lives, will need to instigate a conversation that we might prefer to avoid. If we are in a leadership role, it might be delivering negative feedback, suggesting behaviour change, investigating a slump in performance or introducing a potentially problematic policy change.
Anyone can deliver good news effectively. But life is full of things that don’t go to plan. Even the best employee will make mistakes, or need coaching to improve. No one is immune from economic or political changes that impact the workplace and redundancy or a necessary but unwelcome policy change could impact any of us at any time.
Leaders must practice communicating those trickier issues clearly and compassionately because sooner or later they will need to coach their team through bad news.
Why do we avoid the hard stuff?
When we tell someone they’ve done a great job we can pretty much guarantee they will react warmly.
When we pull someone up on negative behaviour, or deliver less positive news, we must face the unexpected. How will they react? How will we react to their reaction? The possibility of creating conflict, aggression or high emotion can be daunting, and cause anxiety or trigger our own emotions.
Artist credit: The awesome Dilbert by Scott Adams
Most of us were not taught how to navigate emotional situations well, and we carry our own triggers from childhood into adulthood. Learning to sit calmly with that discomfort, and to stay on message will help us to be effective and compassionate leaders.
How to communicate with compassion
Prepare
When was the last time you met a parent who took their toddler on a day trip without prepping like it was a military operation? Probably never, but if you have, I’d love to know how it went.
A conversation that might trigger a range of emotions will always require some thinking on the fly. You cannot deliver these kinds of conversations by rote, and to do so would be disrespectful. But you can be sure that you have all of the facts in front of you, that you have carefully considered the possible emotions that might arise (from you and them) and how you will respond. You should be sure that you have allowed sufficient time and planned an appropriate and dignified venue. You might need tissues, and if hostility could be on the menu you may need to consider your own physical safety.
Don’t soften the blow
If you were ever taught the concept of the ‘shit sandwich,’ unlearn it now. No one was ever fooled by the compliment, bad news, compliment recipe. ‘Shit sandwiches’ are undignified, unclear, and off-message.
Artist credit: Work Chronicles
Compassion includes crediting your audience with intelligence and delivering feedback with clarity.
Respect their time and don’t waste it with misplaced small talk in an attempt to lessen the sting. Remember, this is about them, not you. It is absolutely normal to feel uncomfortable when bringing up a topic that can stir an emotional response or might hurt another person. Your job is to put your discomfort to one side in order to deliver your message in a way that is clear and kind, and watering the message down will only prolong the pain for both of you.
The fact of the matter is that you can’t make shit taste any better. Don’t even try.
Sometimes, you just can’t dress it up.
Know your own triggers
Perhaps you find tears awkward or upsetting, or maybe you dread being on the receiving end of anger. You might be concerned that you will lose your temper or you may be worried that you will cry, if you personally disagree with a decision that your role requires you to make. This is part of being prepared.
Walk through the possible scenarios in your mind and consider how you will respond. Remember, it’s not about you, and it is not the team member’s responsibility to comfort you if you find delivering the message upsetting.
Choose the right time and place
Do you have a minute?
We need to talk.
Let’s have a chat.
What do these phrases all have in common, besides striking dread into the heart of the person on the receiving end?
9/10 times, ‘a minute’ means at least half an hour, and this most innocuous of phrases is often a signal to brace oneself for negative feedback. Everyone sees you get up from your desk and ‘nip into a meeting room,’ and while you’re in there, you’re thinking of everyone out there wondering what you’re about to get a bollocking for, and if they’re next.
Don’t do this. Book an appropriate meeting place, allow extra time, and provide your employee with discretion. If you are concerned they may become aggressive, plan a suitable exit strategy in advance.
Artist credit: Jim Unger, creator of the Herman comic
Reframe it, if appropriate
Some types of bad news – such as informing someone of behaviour that isn’t helpful, and coaching them to improve – isn't bad news at all. Remind yourself that you are communicating constructive criticism because you care. You know how good your employee is at their job, and how motivated they are to be better; and your feedback may be the very thing that helps them to take the next step forward in their career.
This might look like a shit sandwich, but it’s not. You are delivering a learning opportunity.
If you ‘let it slide’ you might be helping yourself avoid an awkward conversation, but you wouldn’t be helping them at all. Giving someone a heads-up that they’re heading in the wrong direction can lead them back onto the right path.
Of course, it should go without saying that trying to put a cheery tint on redundancy or financial cutbacks is not the right tack. Sugar coating sh*t news isn’t kind.
Create Psychological Safety before you need it
Does your team trust you? Do the individuals that you lead believe that you have their best interests at heart? Do they have reason to believe that you treat them with compassion and empathy already?
If this is true for you, well done. Difficult conversations will be easier when trust and kindness are a given. If you are not sure, reflect, and make changes.
Creating an environment of mutual respect and empathy takes time and effort, but it will make those more challenging conversations far simpler.
With Psychological Safety in place, difficult conversations might not be difficult at all, but rather the opportunity to learn and grow.
If your team trust you to be honest when things are going wrong, they will trust that you are leading them in the right direction, and they will follow.
Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced - James Baldwin
We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty - Maya Angelou
Leaders become great not because of their power, but because of their ability to empower others - John C Maxwell
Acknowledgements
I drew on the work of Clive F. Lloyd, Psychologist, author, and expert on Psychological Safety. In particular, this article in which you can find a detailed breakdown of various emotional responses you may encounter. I highly recommend reading Clive’s work further.
In addition, I found this article in Psychology Today by Andy Molinsky PhD helpful.
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